heartbreak

I Don’t Fit Well

I don’t fit well

Been here a while but

I don’t fit well

Thought I’d settle

Blend in

But

This place is too small

Your love is too big

So honest and so deep

Too clean

For a mess like me

There’s nowhere to hide

I’m exposed

I’m uncomfortable

I don’t fit well

We can’t force this

Love

Been here a while but

I don’t fit well…

We don’t fit well.

 

-Elle

#poetryfromthenotpoet

Fun fact: I’ve never had to express feelings like the one in this poem. Sad fact: I’ve been on the receiving end a time or two or three. Interesting fact: all of those times (some major relationships, some sweet flings that were never meant to be), I’ve had to initiate the conversation that would ultimately result in me getting hurt because I could tell things weren’t right/the same… in fact, that’s a poem I need to work on haha

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She

She.

An amalgam of broken pieces

Shoved and glued back together.

It’s not quite right

Something’s off.

All cracks and crevices

And missing bits…

 

But this is no tragedy.

 

She

Has more surface area for love.

More room to connect

Fluent in empathy

A master of compassion

So much taken.

So much more to give.

 

She.

A humble soul

Resilient and vulnerable

Present and feeling

Scarred and lovely

A treasure not to look at,

But instead one to see.

 

She.

 

-Elle

#poetryfromthenotpoet

To all of the people I’ve taken the time to look at, but never really saw.

Honey

I called him Honey

‘cause he was so sweet to me.

And you know, honey…

It doesn’t ever go bad.

If you neglect it, mistreat it…

What it does is crystallize.

I think that’s kinda pretty.

The best part though?

If you love on it… warm it up a bit…

Well it goes right on back to the way it used to be.

No harm done.

 

I called him Honey

‘cause he was so sweet to me

But I might have taken my pet name just a bit too literally

See, I neglected him. I mistreated him.

And he got sharp ‘round the edges.

I tried warming him back up

But he was unmalleable. All bones and heavy flesh.

In fact, after some deliberation,

Sweet or not,

I decided he wasn’t so much like honey after all.

… and I sure as hell wasn’t either,

but then again,

I never pretended to be.

 

-Elle

😉

Hey 20’s, our time together is running out

So I might have forgotten that this little blog of mine existed. I’m mildly comforted by the fact that it’s practically a shout into the void for now… no shade to my close family and friend followers or the strangers who may come across this and somehow make my world feel smaller… cozier.

I’m rapidly approaching my 29th birthday and doing a lot of reflecting on my post-college adult life and my future. My goal is to walk a path of authenticity and take control over my own happiness. I pray for the strength and courage to make choices that serve me positively and to commit deeply to all that I cherish and all that brings light to my life and to the lives of those whom I care for. I want to live open, and honestly, and beautifully. I want my happiness to be so evident to my loved ones that if I were to die tomorrow, they could know, with no doubt, that I lived– or at the very least, worked very hard toward– my very best life.

Here’s my slice of #vulnerablepie …
(more…)

Life’s a …

Hello everyone! Yes, I am still with the living. As you might have guessed from my 2.5 month absence, things with my first draft aren’t going very well. I saw this coming when I failed to make my first word count goal after returning to work (I’m a teacher and spent my summer off writing). When I miserably failed to make my second goal (I’d written like 1000 words in a month, my goal was 10,000), I felt really bad. I promised myself I would catch up and get back on track and at the same time, I decided to put off blogging until I had good news.

Well, I don’t have good news in terms of writing and word counts but I’m finally ready to try to reconnect with my manuscript and get back on track to finishing my first draft.

But first, a little update on what I’ve been up to other than writing. Work keeps me pretty busy and I’m also a graduate student. This means I teach, I learn, I make assignments, I do assignments, I grade papers, and I write papers. In addition to that, I coach lacrosse. All that said and done, I can’t honestly say that I had no time to write. Even with my full load, I have a fair amount of down time. So anyway, after getting back into the swing of things at work and failing to meet my first few back-at-work writing goals, I made a plan to try to catch up during our first week long break from school – fall break. Unfortunately, a heart-crushing break up threw all those plans out the window. More than one person encouraged me to pour my sadness and emotions into my writing. It made sense. My main character was actually right in the midst of some similar emotions. I was feeling so many things so intensely that I’m sure anything I would have written would have read strikingly true and honest and real… but I couldn’t write. I didn’t want to do anything, in fact (aside from sleep). For two plus weeks I moped around, slept, cried, and went out with friends and pretended to be happy and “over it.” It wasn’t until I got on the scale and found myself an unnecessary 10lbs lighter that I really realized I needed to make a conscious effort to not let myself fall deeper into my fat cloud of despair. SO I busted out the superglue, picked up the scraps that were my heart, and got busy pasting everything back together. I might have done a shoddy job, but it’ll do just fine for now.

After that, I very quickly became obsessed with letting the world see a part of me that only I know- a me that only ever actually existed inside my head. I applied for a passport, I signed up for a 5k and started working out, I spent time making myself feel pretty (painting my nails, trying out new things with my hair, picking cute outfits), I moved to a cute new apartment closer to the city and I made a choice to be happy and let life take me where it may.

The one thing that’s been late to latch on to my new and improved lifestyle is my writing. It was always on my mental to-do list, but I haven’t even gotten around to opening the Word document yet. I have some sort of mental block going on and it’s my intention to crash it down. My next week-long break is next week for Thanksgiving. I’m not going to set a word count goal or anything, I just want to reconnect with the story that had me bursting at the seams with excitement over the summer. I want to really want to write again. I feel so hopeful and optimistic about everything else in my life right now… writing consistently again would just be really amazing icing on the cake. I’d also say, even though I’m feeling so much better and SO much happier, I’m still filled with lots of potent emotions that I hope will spill beautifully into my writing.

As always, please wish me luck. I need it!

ED

El gato and I are so excited to see where life is going to take us.

El gato and I are so excited to see where life is going to take us.