dark

Mental Health and Loss

I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression lately. There are some things going on in my life right now that have really aggravated something that typically exists as a small hum. My set of dark little clouds have gone full on thunderstorm on me. The past several days have been exceptionally dark and difficult. A hint… there seems to be a pretty tight correlation between my sadness/darker emotions and the amount of poetry I vomit out. I’ve published thirteen poems this month and there are three times as many in various states of completion on my computer. I have felt helpless and worthless and exhausted. I fill to the brim with emotions that have no where to go. On Monday I didn’t even bother getting out of bed.

Then there was today.

My dad called me. I could tell something was wrong. I assumed our family pet, who has been very ill, had passed away. My dad was having trouble finding his words so I asked if that was it. It wasn’t. He went on to tell me that one of his best friends (G.), all of whom are like uncles to me, had just died in a motorcycle accident. He also told me he loves me and he’s glad I’m alive and here– words I desperately needed to hear, but also words that were horribly somber in this context. I’d like to say that learning what happened to G. “snapped” me out of the hole I’ve been in, but it doesn’t work that way. Death does bring perspective though. It’s the filthiest way to learn a lesson or get a message or whatever. It’s cruel and it’s painful, but I have to pull something out of it. Because the alternative… that horrible things just happen and that’s it, that’s the end. That won’t do.

The last time I saw G. was at a party at my dad’s house a few months ago. He was playing with his eight year old daughter in the backyard. They were running in circles and screaming and laughing and living. Now G. is dead. Perspective. Perspective. Perspective. I am struggling. Life is difficult. I’m here and if I’m honest, sometimes I don’t want to be, but I am. And there are people who are thankful for that. Today was hard. Today I cried over G., cried over me, cried over every person I’ve ever cried about really, whatever the reason. I had a tear for the whole world.

Tomorrow, I think… I’ll get out of bed.

And if that’s all I do, it’ll be enough.

 

-Elle

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When I’m Dead

I wonder

If you’ll love me

When I’m dead.

I know death is ugly

In a physical sense

But I always imagined

That as your flesh

Returns to the earth

All the pretty things

All the beautiful bits

That were buried

Deep down

And scattered about…

I always thought

That surely

They leak out

Seep into the mud…

Make sweet flowers bud

You love flowers

Yeah.

I bet

You’ll love me

When I’m dead.

 

-Elle

#Poetryfromthenotpoet

Careful

Demons fly around your skull

Whispering evil things

You’re worthless.

You don’t belong here.

You fight them valiantly

With prayers and kind thoughts

But they’re relentless

They tell you crazy lies

You know you shouldn’t believe

But they never tire

They never stop

They smell your tiniest weakness

A little crack in your exterior,

They dig in

And rot your insides

Like a cavity.

No dentist, no doctor

Can fix this

Their poison is sticky and foul

It mutates your soul

You’re on the edge

Of an infinite black hole

Careful, Love

Careful.

 

-Elle

#Poetryfromthenotpoet