Mental Health and Loss

I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression lately. There are some things going on in my life right now that have really aggravated something that typically exists as a small hum. My set of dark little clouds have gone full on thunderstorm on me. The past several days have been exceptionally dark and difficult. A hint… there seems to be a pretty tight correlation between my sadness/darker emotions and the amount of poetry I vomit out. I’ve published thirteen poems this month and there are three times as many in various states of completion on my computer. I have felt helpless and worthless and exhausted. I fill to the brim with emotions that have no where to go. On Monday I didn’t even bother getting out of bed.

Then there was today.

My dad called me. I could tell something was wrong. I assumed our family pet, who has been very ill, had passed away. My dad was having trouble finding his words so I asked if that was it. It wasn’t. He went on to tell me that one of his best friends (G.), all of whom are like uncles to me, had just died in a motorcycle accident. He also told me he loves me and he’s glad I’m alive and here– words I desperately needed to hear, but also words that were horribly somber in this context. I’d like to say that learning what happened to G. “snapped” me out of the hole I’ve been in, but it doesn’t work that way. Death does bring perspective though. It’s the filthiest way to learn a lesson or get a message or whatever. It’s cruel and it’s painful, but I have to pull something out of it. Because the alternative… that horrible things just happen and that’s it, that’s the end. That won’t do.

The last time I saw G. was at a party at my dad’s house a few months ago. He was playing with his eight year old daughter in the backyard. They were running in circles and screaming and laughing and living. Now G. is dead. Perspective. Perspective. Perspective. I am struggling. Life is difficult. I’m here and if I’m honest, sometimes I don’t want to be, but I am. And there are people who are thankful for that. Today was hard. Today I cried over G., cried over me, cried over every person I’ve ever cried about really, whatever the reason. I had a tear for the whole world.

Tomorrow, I think… I’ll get out of bed.

And if that’s all I do, it’ll be enough.

 

-Elle

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2 comments

  1. Love, I cried for you and me as well! It was like I could feel every word you wrote in this article! You are special and worthy! Keep writing because it makes for a great escape from that dark world we are tortured with. I will definitely be following your words, Hang in there mama!

    1. Thank you. Writing and sleeping are the absolute best escapes I know, but only one of those lets you connect with other people, or at the very least, consciously analyze your feelings, whether literally or through imaginary worlds. Sending so much love your way!

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