Color Me Yellow

Color me yellow

Marigolds and sunshine

Butter me up, Babe

Make me laugh

That ugly laugh

That real one

You know…

Too much teeth, too much gums

A parade of bumblebees

Spilling from my mouth

 

Spell out my name

With those little golden letters

Like the ones

On the spine

Of my favorite books

I wanna twinkle

Bright, like a star

Wild, like a firecracker

 

Wrap me up, Honey

Like a lemon Starburst

They’re the best ones

#changemymind

Oh and don’t forget

Snag some bananas

While you’re out

You know I won’t eat ‘em

But they’ll look fancy

In that amber fruit bowl

You bought for me

Way out

In Amarillo.

 

-Elle

#Poetryfromthenotpoet Have I mentioned that I supposed to be writing a novel?

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Humble Me

Humble me,

Life.

I’m way too high

I’m far too happy.

Shake me up,

Cut me down.

I’m thriving, see

Light on my feet

Cheeky grin.

I feel good

Too good.

Do your thing.

Put me in check.

Break my heart.

Crush my spirit.

Remind me.

To live is to suffer.

Life,

Remind me.

Don’t let me get too far

Don’t let me get used to this.

Do it now.

If you wait too long

I might not survive the fall.

Do it now,

Life.

Humble me.

 

-Elle

#Poetryfromthenotpoet

Friends! It’s been a minute! I was going through it majorly last night time I posted. Guess what? Still am. Know what else? Still breathing. 😉 Also, this poem sounds kind of dark, but it doesn’t feel that way. I do believe we all need to be humbled now and then… perhaps not at the spirit crushing level though. This is written from that too-good-to-be-true perspective. You know, when everything is going so right that you get kind of nervous? I haven’t been there in while! I’m definitely on the recently humbled side of things, but they say it’s a roller coaster, right?

Mental Health and Loss

I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression lately. There are some things going on in my life right now that have really aggravated something that typically exists as a small hum. My set of dark little clouds have gone full on thunderstorm on me. The past several days have been exceptionally dark and difficult. A hint… there seems to be a pretty tight correlation between my sadness/darker emotions and the amount of poetry I vomit out. I’ve published thirteen poems this month and there are three times as many in various states of completion on my computer. I have felt helpless and worthless and exhausted. I fill to the brim with emotions that have no where to go. On Monday I didn’t even bother getting out of bed.

Then there was today.

My dad called me. I could tell something was wrong. I assumed our family pet, who has been very ill, had passed away. My dad was having trouble finding his words so I asked if that was it. It wasn’t. He went on to tell me that one of his best friends (G.), all of whom are like uncles to me, had just died in a motorcycle accident. He also told me he loves me and he’s glad I’m alive and here– words I desperately needed to hear, but also words that were horribly somber in this context. I’d like to say that learning what happened to G. “snapped” me out of the hole I’ve been in, but it doesn’t work that way. Death does bring perspective though. It’s the filthiest way to learn a lesson or get a message or whatever. It’s cruel and it’s painful, but I have to pull something out of it. Because the alternative… that horrible things just happen and that’s it, that’s the end. That won’t do.

The last time I saw G. was at a party at my dad’s house a few months ago. He was playing with his eight year old daughter in the backyard. They were running in circles and screaming and laughing and living. Now G. is dead. Perspective. Perspective. Perspective. I am struggling. Life is difficult. I’m here and if I’m honest, sometimes I don’t want to be, but I am. And there are people who are thankful for that. Today was hard. Today I cried over G., cried over me, cried over every person I’ve ever cried about really, whatever the reason. I had a tear for the whole world.

Tomorrow, I think… I’ll get out of bed.

And if that’s all I do, it’ll be enough.

 

-Elle

When I’m Dead

I wonder

If you’ll love me

When I’m dead.

I know death is ugly

In a physical sense

But I always imagined

That as your flesh

Returns to the earth

All the pretty things

All the beautiful bits

That were buried

Deep down

And scattered about…

I always thought

That surely

They leak out

Seep into the mud…

Make sweet flowers bud

You love flowers

Yeah.

I bet

You’ll love me

When I’m dead.

 

-Elle

#Poetryfromthenotpoet

Careful

Demons fly around your skull

Whispering evil things

You’re worthless.

You don’t belong here.

You fight them valiantly

With prayers and kind thoughts

But they’re relentless

They tell you crazy lies

You know you shouldn’t believe

But they never tire

They never stop

They smell your tiniest weakness

A little crack in your exterior,

They dig in

And rot your insides

Like a cavity.

No dentist, no doctor

Can fix this

Their poison is sticky and foul

It mutates your soul

You’re on the edge

Of an infinite black hole

Careful, Love

Careful.

 

-Elle

#Poetryfromthenotpoet

Seen

In my daydreams

I imagine being seen.

Really seen.

The raw and vulnerable kind of seen.

I wonder if they actually exist…

Souls cut from the same cloth

Do the tiny sheared fibers reunite

And form an image that neither could see alone?

It’s lovely…

Toying with the idea in my mind

But do I want that kind of clarity?

Do I need it?

Is it deserved?

In my daydreams

I press my fingertips to yours

One by one

You smell like safety

You sound like home.

When I look into your eyes

I see me…

The way you see me

And I trust it

There’s no logic.

I see me, the way you see me

It’s foreign and familiar

More terrifying than comforting

I want to go back

But I can’t

I’ve seen my soul in you

It cannot be unseen

Is this a blessing?

I’m not so sure.

 

-Elle

#Poetryfromthenotpoet

Sleep Peace

You breathe so slowly

In the low light

Of our bedroom at night.

The shadows cast over your features…

They show me a secret version of you

Your sleep is not hard or fitful

The tension and stress from your day

Has melted away

Your sleep is soft.

It’s warm.

But then comes a noise – A car horn. A dog bark.

It disturbs the calm – makes you stir

And suddenly everything seems so…

Delicate.

This moment

This life

I’m afraid I’ll break it

Just by being awake.

I inch my way under the covers

And closer to you

You’re such a giver.

Perhaps you could share

Just a tiny piece

Of your sleep peace

With me.

 

-Elle

#Poetryfromthenotpoet

A Sweet Dream

I covered you with flowers in my mind

Lovie, I went back in time

To harvest the essence of you.

To celebrate you

To lift you up

When you needed higher ground

 

I kissed your cheeks

Precious one,

I played our favorite songs

And we sang them loud

‘Cause that’s the only way to do it

That’s what you always said

Loud and Proud

 

…Oh, and we danced

And we never stopped

We were happy

We were vibrant

We were alive

 

And that’s where I left us

Back in time

On an infinite loop

Covered in flowers

Feet off the ground

Singing

And dancing

And free

 

-Elle

#Poetryfromthenotpoet

Rainy Avenue

Sweet face

That’s what you used to call me

When we’d walk down those tired sidewalks

Of Rainy Avenue

Cracks in the cement

Below my sandaled feet

Toe snatchers.

That’s what you called those divots and pot holes

Obstacles we playfully and confidently avoided

You had a special name for everything

Even Rainy Avenue

Your little hypocrite boulevard

We never did see it rain

On Rainy Avenue

Dark clouds, sure

Lightning shows and thunder parades

Sometimes you could even smell it in the air

… the rain.

But not a single drop ever fell

Not on us

Not on Rainy Avenue.

 

-Elle

#Poetryfromthenotpoet